[Untitled article about Renard infestation]

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16-19
Item Notes
Gary attributed this to Pete Dobra, but author is identified as Glorfindel (Stuart Butterfield)

[page 16] <Handwritten, inked in green.> Glorfindel (finally) writes... <End handwriting.> <green arrow pointing down and to the left to the following title> The Adventures of Ar-Pharazon & Dain {Title Art: The title above is handwritten, inked in brown, on a line drawing of a banner, the front of which is inked in red, the back parts in green.} <Illuminated to look like a pillar, boxed separately from the rest of the text.> I <End illumination.> n the land of Numenor, many years ago was the home of Ar-Pharazon. He lived with his mother, Matilda, until that fateful day when she threw himoout @him out@. 'Ar,' said Matilda, 'when you gonna git a job?’ 'I can't, ma, I'm royalty. I've just gotta wait around. Pretty soon I'll sieze @seize@ the scepter, whatever that is, and we'll move to the palace.' 'How do you know?' asked Matilda. 'I read it in 'Appendix A',' replied Ar. 'Well, in the meantime, get out of here. Go on a journey or something.' 'Aw, Ma, I don't want to.' 'Why not?' 'I'M SO LAZY!!!' {Image: A line drawn portrait of a young man appears in profile to the right of the title and first three paragraphs of "The Adventures of Ar-Pharazon & Dain." The young man has pointed ears and wears a baseball cap. The design on the front of the cap is indeterminable from the angle. The man is writing on parchment with a feather quill. From his mouth, a green speech bubble reads "Ho Ho Ho Ho Hoth Ho Hoth HEE." The background consists of black hatching. The image is signed "G.F. by H.T.} {Image: A shaded line drawing of the head of a scepter appears to the left of the previous dialogue. The ornamentation on the scepter is a ball bearing a cross. Red lines glow from this ornament suggesting luminance. The scepter is green except for the ornament, which is red and black. Under the drawing "a SCEPTER" is written in green ink.} Yes, it was true. Ar-Pharazon was the laziest man in the world. However, Matilda was sick of having him laying around the house, sso @so@ she persuaded him to journey to Middle-Earth. Ar went, seeking to meet his old friend, Quinn the Eskim0 @Eskimo@. He figured they could go and have a ew @few@ beers someplace. So it was that Ar-Pharason set out ono his fateful journey.......... [Page 17] Ar had someone prepare his ship and in a week he set out. The trip was very much to Ar's liking. All he had to do way lay on the deck and sleep. He snored directly into the sails which provided th @the@ motive power. St ,sfr yjr ktp½ pp ook, (well, I don't know everything yet) Ar made the trip in record time since he can sleep so good. He landed just south of Umbar. After recuperating from the rigors of the journey for a couple of weeks he got hi @his@ faithful steed, a giant tortoise, out of the hold and proceeded to ride off to noplace @no place@ in particular in search of Quinn the Eskimo. Ar's steed proved to be too swift for him, though. Agter @After@ a time Ar was knocked off the tortoise by the force of the wind rushing past. Then, ugh, don't blame me ALL the time, Hid oog, Findel cannot write legibally @legibly@. There he lay on his back in the middle of the road, arms outstreched @outstretched@, trying to muster the strength to get up. For two years he lay there, until one day a strange dwarf approached leading a baggage pony. 'Who are you?' asked the dwarf. 'The name's Ar-Pharazon.' 'What are you doing"? 'I'm getting up.' 'Oh.' There was silence for a time, then the dwarf turned to leave. Ar stopped him by asking, 'What's your name?' 'Dain Ironfoot,' Answered the dwarf. 'Say,' replied Ar, 'aren't you supposed to be in the Third Age, and not around here?' 'Yeah, how'd you know that?' 'I read 'Appendix A'" 'Well. anyway, you're right. But Findel decided this story was so bad already that adding me won't hurt. Say I'm off to find Quinn the Eskimo. Want to some @come@? I figure we can get together for a few beers someplace.' 'Sure,@'@ said Ar, 'if you'll help me up and let me ride your horse.' 'So Dain rigged up a black and tackle from a concienient @convenient@ overhanging tree. Then he hoisted Ar onto his horse.After many days of travel the companions approached Minas Tirith. Suddenly they heard singing: Come on without, come on within, You'll not see nothin' like the Mighty Quinn. Around a bend in the road a team of sled dogs came into view. It was they who were singing. Suddenly a sled appeared behind them, carrying Quinn the Eskimo himself. 'Ho there, Quinn the Eskimo!' shouted Dain. 'Why if it isn't Dain Ironfoot,' said Quinn the Eskimo as he appleid @applied@ his disc brakes. 'And Ar-Pharason, asleep as usual. Where are you guys going?' 'We were looking for you,' replied Dain. 'What've you been up to?' 'Oh, I just sunt @sent@ some hibbits off on a wild goose chase down south.' Answered Quinn the Eskimo. 'C'mon, let's go into Minas Tirith and get a beer.' As they rode into Minas Tirith, Dain mused thoughtfully to himself, 'Hobbits going south? Hmm, I'll have to get the story on that sometime.' While boozing it in Minas Tirith, Dain remarked that he thought it would be a good idea if the three companions went North and fought dragons. 'Why?' asked Ar-Pharason. 'Why not?' answered Dain. So it was that Dain Ironfoot, Ar-Parazon and Quinn the Eskimo set out in search of dragons to battle. After many weeks of travel on Quinn the Eskimo's sled, they found themselves at the northern-most tip of the Misty Mountains. Here dragons had been reported. However a long search by the three turned up nothing. {Image: A line drawing of a humanoid male in formal clothing falling from the back of a tortoise appears in the bottom left corner of the page. The figure is supposed to be Ar, as depicted in the story. The formal wear is of medieval design: laced vestments and tight stockings. The tortoise is smiling as it trudges along toward the right margin.} [page 18] "I think you dragged us up here for nothing," remarked Ar Pharazon @Ar-Pharazon@ to Dain. "I could be sleeping someplace. This is WORK!" "Aw, Eag it!" replied Dain tactfully. "Shut up you two morons," broke in Quinn the Eskimo. "We'll rest here. Ar, you can have your chance to sleep right..." But Ar had fallen asleep just standing there. Quinn the Eskimo propped him up against a convienient @convenient@ rock. Suddenly there was a flash of light and a loud roar. A dragon was upon them! Dain was knocked over by a ball of flame, but Quinn the Eskimo drew his sword, flung himself at the beast and chopped off his head. To his suprise @surprise@, the dragon was made of paper maché. From the body there stepped a well-dressed gentleman carrying a flamethrower. "Hello," said Quinn the Eskimo. "Hello there," said the man. "My name ls Edwin Garvey." "What's the bit with the flamethrower?" asked Dain. "Well, it's kind of my bag." he replied. "You see," (at this point he spread out his arms) "I am the god of hellfire!!! Would you like a demonstration? I'll just disintegrate that rock over there. Hey you, by the rock!" he shouted to Ar-Pharazon as he readied his flamethrower. "Get outta the way!" "Wake up and move your bod, Ar," said Dain. Ar-Pharazon opened his eyes but made no other movement. Thus he was unable to get out of the path of the searing flame as it engulfed the rock. As Ar was burned up into little bits of ash and smoke, Dain said to him, "Ar, why didn't you move? You could've saved yourself!" "With his dying breath, Ar-Pharazon gasped, "I'M SO LAZY!!!" "Sorry about that," said the God of Hellfire. "Hah, I think you did it on purpose!@"@ said Quinn the Eskimo as he reached out with he @his@ sword and deftly cut the fuel line to the flamethrower nozzle. "Well, now I'm defenseless," sobbed the God of Hellfire. "Go ahead, Kill @kill@ me, run me through! You want to punish me for the death of your friend. Well, now's your chance. Here I am, unarmed. Well, go ahead, kill me, just run me through!" "Okay," said Quinn the Eskimo, and he ran him thru @through@. Dain gathered up what was left of Ar-Parazon, scooped it into an envelope, addressed it to Matilda, Ar's mother, and dropped it into a nearby mailbox. "Did you put the Zip code on?" asked Quinn the Eskimo. "Yes, said Dain. "With Zip code speeding deliveries, Matilda should get the ashes while they're still warm@.@" "Isn't that sweet," reaarked @remarked@ Quinn the Eskimo. con't on next page. {Image: In the bottom left corner of the page is a line drawing of a man with a flaming headpiece emerging from a dragon costume. Though only the hind-legs and back of the costume are visible, it appears to be the same dragon as in the previous image. The image is titled "EDWIN GARVEY," which is inked in purple and green. Garvey wears a loose shirt as he t-poses and shouts through two speech bubbles, "I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE."} [page 19] At this point their ways parted. Quinn the Eskimo went West to goof off and write an autobiographical pop song. Dain went East to become famous. And at this point the story ends. I could have drawn it out further, but my tongue is wearing a hole in my cheek. * * * An added note of explanation by the editor: As we may note, by Numenor's many arts, Ar-Pharazon was doubtlessly put back together, but never again was this noble servant the same. In fact he took to raising armies and gallavanting @gallivanting@ about with a new sidekick who didn't even like beer, Sauron. This was inevitable; aAt (hmm) Ar was the product of a broken home.

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