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[page 4] The true and complete story of CAPTAIN KANGAROO A tale of jealosy @jealousy@ and revenge As told by Glorfindel, alias Stuart Butterfield AS THE CAPTAIN ENTERS THE CLUBHOUSE, he proceedes @proceeds@ to wake up Grandfather Clock, is his custom; however, he soon notices that the clock's innards have [page 5] Captain Kangaroo, cont. and replaced with a small thermonuclear bomb. He unknowingly trips the clever firing mechanism by moving the hands of the clock. As he sails over the barnyard, he sees Mr. Greenjeans standing there laughing at him. Even now he is planning his revenge. Later that night, as Mr. Greenjeans settles down to watch his favorite show, Batman, he realizes that something is wrong: Martha the Cow his stallmate, is not protesting to watch her favorite show, Lost in Space. Investigating, Greenie (we shall call him Greenie to save wear and tear on the typewriter) Greenie finds that _Martha's_ innards have been removed. Suddenly Captain Kangaroo rushes in and cheerfully announces that the innards were in the Borscht that Greenie had for supper. As he runs to the outhouse to heave, Mr. Greenjeans steps on 872 strategically placed landmines previously planted on the path by the Captain. The next day, as the Captain is watching Billy the Rabbit and Tommy the Squirrel play chess, Mr. Greenjeans wanders up and tells him that the Gladitorial @Gladiatorial@ games are on TV. He doesn't want to miss them, so he runs all the way back to the farmhouse. As he enters, he is attacked by 48 labor union goons with blackjacks. Greenie had borrowed them for the afternoon from his good friend Jimmy Hoffa. Later on, Greenie is sitting in the barn studying migratory bird routes with Suzy the Newboron Chick (known to her friends as "spike") on his shoulder. The Captain enters and says he must send Greenie on an errand. He sends him to 1917 Aardvark street in nearby skagway to get a Dead Sea Scroll for supper. Unbeknown to Greenie however, the address was that of the Russian Spy Headquarters. Meanwhile, the Captain tips off the FBI office across the street and as Greenie approaches, he is caught in the resultant crossfire. Leaving Greenie for dead, the Captain packs up the animals, changes his name to "Captain Wombat" and moves to Jupiter to start a new life. Many years later a space trooper arrives to arrest the Captain for selling liquor to the children under 6, lo and behold, its @it's@ Mr. Greenjeans. The Captain is afraid he will carve him up with a machete or something but Greenie (who has changed his name to Mr. Whiteskivvies) says they should forget the past. Sally the Bull and Mike the Cow had had kittens, so the Captain gives Whitey a few of them. In return, Whitey gives the Captain a license to sell liquor to children under 6, and then leaves to start a farm on Mars. They both lived happily after that, except for the time the Captain shot off his foot with a laser gun 'cause his eyesight was getting so bad.