Fanzines in Foment [excerpt]

[Page 3] {Note on the Text: All text on the page is handwritten.} Section I: songs from the hit off-Broadway musical the LORD of the RINGS based on J.R.R. TOLKIEN's famous Trilogy featuring Mickey Rooney as Frodo Baggins Simon and Garfunkel as Merry and Pippin Dwain Kaiser as Middle-Earth Gandalf as Himself Book and lyrics by Doug Goddard and Steve Gollery Music stolen from just about everywhere Choreography by Jack Daniels A note of thanks to Mary Ann Cappa, Ken Anderson, Stan Gollery, my third grade teacher, and all the others who allowed us to pick their brains. We wish also to thank the Union of Dwarves, Hobbits, and Other Small Beings (Local .497 for the use of their members as extras. [Page 4] Lord of the Rings (to the tune of "King of the Road") Sauron: Orcs, wargs, and evil things, I have sent to get the ring One ring is all I need To do my most dastardly deed. Ah, but, Frodo has what I need, Object of all my greed. And when I get the ringI'll @ring I'll@ be Lord of the Rings. (chorus) I'll rule all the dwarves and elves and every man All of the hobbits, in every land. And every living thing in every cave. Soon all Middle-earth will be my slave. Gandalf stands in my way For this he'll have to pay. When he is finally killed, my @My@ first wish will be fulfilled. First I must get this thing Th' one and only ruling Ring And when I get it I'll be Lord of the Rings. (repeat chorus and verses ad nauseum) TAKE THE PATHS OF THE DEAD (to the tune of "Cast Your Fate to the Wind") Aragorn: Sauron's orcs are marching fast; The battle time has come at last So, even though that way I dread, Still I must take the paths of the dead. That Denethor not be thrown down, I must swiftly go to his home town. My men, who've followed where I've led Will follow through the paths of the dead. So Eomer, if you've such great <word is corrupted> My men and I will leave you here. You must go to fight in our stead, If we come not through the paths of the dead. [Page 5] WITH AN ARMY*FULL OF ORCS (to the tune of "With a Little Bit of Luck" From "My Fai r @Fair@ Lady") Sauron: Gandalf the Grey Leads @leads@ armies to destroy me, to @To@ stop my conques t @conquest@ of all Middle-earth. Gandalf the Grey leads armies to destroy me, but With an army-fulll @army-full@ of orc s @orcs@, with an army-full of orcs, We will see what Gandalf's force is worth. Orcs and goblins: With an army-full, with an army-full, With an army-full of orcs, we'll see their worth. Sauron: He's got the fiercest men of Rohan, Riding terrible swift steeds. He's got the fiercest men of Rohan, but With an ar y-full @army-full@ of orcs, with an army-full of orcs, We will stop their lousy valient deeds. Orcs and goblins: With an army-full, with an army-full, With an army-full of orcs we'll stop their deeds. Sauron: He thinks that he can ill @kill@ the Nazgul, Fierce black riders of the sky. He thinks that he can kill the Nazgul, but With any army-full of orcs, with an army-full of orcs, Ga-andalf will be the one to die. All: With an army-full, with an army-full, With an army-full of orcs Gandalf will die! JUSST YOU WAIT (FRODO BAGGINS) (to the tune of "Just you wait (Henry Higgins) From "Myy @My@ Fair Lady") Gollum: Jusst you waits, Frodo Bagginsssss, Jusst you waits. You'll be sorry, but you're tearsss will be too lates. We'll have power, you'll have nothing, When we kills you and takes the ring, Jusst you waits. (chorus) Hisssss Frodo Bagginsss Just you wait until we hass the ring again; Hissssss Frodo Bagginsss We will see who forces who to grovel then. Jusst you waits, Frodo Baggins, Jusst you wait, You'll be sorry, but your tearss will be too late. We will kill you and SSam Gamgee, [Page 6] JUSST YOU WAIT (cont.) T Then we really will feel dandy. Jusst you waits, Frodo Bagginss, Jusst you _Waits_! (curtain descends as he begins to mumble to himself, "A Bagginss took it, yess my preciousss, a Baggins took it..." THERE IS NOTHING LIKE THE RING (to the tune of "There is nothing @Nothing@ Like a Dame" from "South Pacific") Orc s argeant @sergeant@: We got orcs and we got trolls, We got Shelob taking tolls. We got wargs out in the forest, We got Nazgul scaring souls. We got Balrog in Moria, And a lot of evil things; What ain't we got? We ain't got the ring. There is nothing like the ring, Nothing in Mordor There is not a single thing That is anything like the ring. HEY HEY, WE'RE THE NAZGUL (to the tune of "Hey Hey, We're the Monkees") The nine Nazgul: Here we come, flyin' through the sky; If you try to withstand us, you will surely die. And hey hey, we're the Nazgul Look at us flyin' around. If your name is Frodo Baggins, We're here to knock you down etc. [Page 7] ON THE HILL WHERE I LIVE (to the tune of "On the Street Where You Live" from "My Fair Lady") Frodo: I have often climbed up this hill before, But it never seemed to give me such a thrill before. I've been far away, Now I'm back to say. I'm staying here on the hill where I live. And oh! that non-transient feeling, Just to know that I'm finally here. That great, magnificent feeling, that at last I'm finally free of all my fear. Sam is planting trees out in Hobbiton; Pippin and Merry are out somewhere having fun. But here am I, I'm content to lie On the grass of the hill where I live. I'M GANDALF THE GREY, I AM (to the tune of "I'm Henry the Eighth, I Am") Gandalf: I'm Ga ndalf @Gandalf@ the Grey, I am, Gandalf the Grey I am, I am. I've helped hobbits for many a year,The last of which was old Bilbo here. And Every @every@ one was a Hobbit; N ow @Now@ I'm helping Frodo and Sam. It's my greatest task, I'm Gandalf Gandalf the Grey I am. We have many other titles, such as "I Am the Leader of the Rohirrim", "Way Over In Mordor", "Hello, Frodo", "Sam", "I Don't Believe It", and we'd appreciate hearing from you if you'd like to see more. [Page 8] oops, just remembered another one; MY KIND OF TOWN (The Shire Is) (to the tune of "My Kind Of @of@ Town (Chicago Is) (Grand Finale) All: My kind of town the shire is My kind of town the shire is One town that won't let youdown @you down@, The Shire is my kind of town My kind of town, the Shire, has Good old Sam Gamgee, The Shire has Pippin and Merry, The Shire has Bilbo and Frodo, too, Hobbits w ho @who@ Fight for you. When I go to Mordor, the Shire is Calling me more. Even when the Nazgul flyeth around, The Shire is my kind of town. this ruins the beautiful order (?) I have these in, but here's one more; ORC MARCHING S ONG @SONG@ (to the tune of "Jet Song", from "West Side Story" Orcs: When you're an orc, you are evil and cru el @cruel@, you ca n @can@ murder an elf without los ing @losing@ your c ool @cool@. When you're an orc and old Sauron says kill, You've got kinsman around to make s ure @sure@ that you will. You're nasty and mean You're ugly and you're hateful. You're slimy and green But when the battle's fateful, You'll kill your weightful! The rest is unprintable.